A New Starting Point

How time flies！ It's one year since my brother failed in the university entrance exam.[It's July again. Last year， my brother failed in the university entrance examination.]（1）I can still remember clearly that when he knew the result， he， who had never cried no matter what kind of trouble he was in， cried bitterly. But soon， he managed to muster up his courage to face the fact. He again devoted himself to the books and exercises. He didn't say much， but I knew that he was determined to try again the following year.

　　Today is July 23rd. Everyone in my family has been anxious to know my brother's mark for two weeks[For the past two weeks， everyone in my family has been waiting anxiously to know my brother's mark]（2）and today we can get the answer at last. We simply need to make a telephone call and inquire about the mark. But at this very moment， no one dared to pick up the phone. Finally， Mum walked to the telephone and dialed the number gently.“Would you please tell me the mark of…？”We all looked calm， but our hearts beat fast. Mum waited at the phone. One minute passed， but we felt as if it had been an hour. “OK， thank you！”Mum's trembling voice revealed her excitement. No sooner had she hung up the phone than she cried out at the top of her voice，“A good mark！”“Hurrah！ Congratulations， brother！ Your hard work has at last been amply rewarded.”I shouted. Our whole family was immersed（沉浸在）in a happy atmosphere. We laughed until tears came.

　　When we gradually calmed down， I asked my brother what he wanted to say most. He said，“Now I know that everyone's life is full of starting-lines[everyone will find himself at many new starting points in his whole life]（3）。University entrance exam is just one of them. Last year I ran behind others， but that didn't mean that I would always be behind. After working hard， this time I ran ahead of many others. But I'm fully away of the fact[aware] （4）that this doesn't necessarily mean being able to take the lead forever. There'll be another starting point in the university. Anyone who relax[relaxes]（5）in his efforts will surely fall behind.”

　　Yes， I fully agree with my brother. So my friends， nomatter you did[whether you have done]（6）a good job in the university entrance exam or not， today is a new starting point for all of us. Come on and do your best！

　　杭州外国语学校 王浩洋

　　评 语

　　如何正确对待高考结果，对每一个应考者来说，确实是一场不小的考验。无论成败，都将是处在人生道路上的一个新起点，这是这篇作文通过作者哥哥不畏失败，刻苦学习，最终成功的事例揭示的一个主题。文章中某些语言上的不足之处点评修改如下：

　　（1）原文结构受汉语思维影响较重，故改之。

　　（2）前面一句讲到时间，为了呼应，把for the past two weeks提到句首较好。

　　（3）原文有中国式英语之嫌。

　　（4）原文中aware误写成away.另外，be aware of the fact that从勾结构使行文过于凝重。这是作者brother说的话，应该体现口语风格，直说be aware that从句即可。我们在学习中要注意所学语言的上下文语境，不能随便乱套。其实，在这段口语中还有一些地方显出书面语的痕迹，如：mean being able to…在口语中显得有些不自然。

　　（5）一般现在时第三人称单数作主语，动词要加s.

　　（6）whether…or not是前后呼应的结构，用no matter错了。