Dear Parents,I Have Something to TellYou
Why do almost all of you force your children to study hard? Why don't you let us have a good time?
We are all young boys and girls. We like variegated life [a varied and colorful life] (1) but you always stop us[make that impossible] (2)。
You don't allow us to watch TV for a little while [even for a little while] (3) and prevent us from going to spring outing [going for a spring outing] (4) with friends. If you have some time, please go over. Don't run everywhere. [stay home and go over your lessons] (5)。 You always say as this [say something like this] (6)。
Study, study, study hard. Our eyes become“four”from“two”。The glasses are rising. [Study, study, and study without play until we all get nearsighted. Study, study, and study with our glasses growing even“thicker”。] (7)
We are all disappointed and suffering. We want to struggle but we have to obey at last. You are our parents after all.
Dear parents, we understand your hope to [on] (8) us. You hope us excellent [hope we'll be excellent] (9)。 We know we must study hard, but you don't [needn't] (10) always force us to study. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.“Don't [Didn't] (11) you like playing as [when] (12) you were as old [young] (13) as we [as we are now] (14)?
Please understand us. Don't cover up with books [bury us in the pile of books]. (15) We hope our parents [our parents are] (16) not only our best dear ones but also our best friends.
江西省宜丰县第二中学高一 李玲
评 语
文章充满感情,用举例法对比自己与父母亲的不同看法展开全文,由于用了类似排比的句式,给人以有“满腹话语欲一倒为快”的感觉。用词、句子结构变化也较多,过渡词如but,after,all等用得也很自然,并能恰到好处地运用成语。文章中某些语言上的不足之处点评修改如下:
(1)variegated常用于修饰“花朵”、“叶子”,说明其多色多彩;丰富多彩的生活则用varied and colourful来修饰;另外,life表示某种生活时前面要加不定冠词a.
(2)说parents stop us似不合情理,故改之。
(3)加上even语势更顺。
(4)说go for an outing不说go to…
(5)go over表示“复习”必须后接宾语。Don't run everywhere不如直说stay home,再说,everywhere用在这里也不对。
(6)这里as用得不正确,应改用介词like.say后面宜加上something.
(7)、(15)这两个原句是典型的中国式英语,故改之。在作文中要避免把中文中固有的词语、习惯表达、俏皮话硬译成英语,而不考虑英美人能否看懂。我们用英语写作的最终目的并非是让懂中文的中国人看的。
(8)、(9)、(1)作者对hope的用法不正确。对某人寄予希望,介词应该用on;hope不能用在“主—谓—宾—宾补”句型中。要用“hope +that从句”来表达。请比较wish,可用“主—谓—宾—宾补”句型,如:We wish you happy. 两者不要混淆。
(10)、(11)助动词和时态用错了。
(12)连接词用错。
(13)、(14)把old改成young,在we后面加上are now,时间对比更强,语意更清楚。
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