你写我改：商务英语评点网友作文(4)

本期作文题目：
　　You are the office manager at an insurance company. You have arranged for contractors to upgrade your computer system. This means the system will be shut down for a full day.
　　Write a memo of 40-50 words:
　　informing staff of the shutdown
　　telling them when it will happen
　　asking them to prepare alternative work for the day.
　　老师提示：
　　商务写作中遵循的原则是：简洁，精确，礼貌。在考试中或者工作中，格式基本已经给出，所以只需要我们写正文即可。正文中我们写作要做到选词精当，一针见血，语法正确，不出低级错误的句子。备忘录属于半正式的文体写作，所以在句子选择上可以适当放宽，不必太正式。
　　网友作文一：
　　MEMORANDUM
　　from : Tom TO : all staff
　　date : 25/8
　　Because our computor system will be upgraded by the contractors on 28 AUGUEST, so the system will be shut down for a full day on that day[1], i ask for you prepare alternative work for the[2] day. and the work don't use computer system .
　　i think you can give a good performance to me to pass the accident. [3]
　　TOM
　　_________________________________________
　　1.Business writing 中尽量少使用because....so... 这样的结构，看起来不够专业，改为：As we plan to upgrade.....
　　2.有中式英文的痕迹：我要求你们。。。。改为：please prepare alternative work if you have to use the computer.
　　3.这不能算作accident, 既然已经计划好了。整句去掉。换成thank you.
　　网友作文二：
　　From: office manager
　　To: all staff
　　Subject: the company system
　　I would like to notify you that [1]the computer system of our company's will be shut down on this Tuesday for a whole day long [2]on account of the system needs a upgrade.[3]Therefore, please taking notice of this event in advance, in case of some potential inconveniences and troubles on Tuesday, yet prepare alternative work for that day. [4]
　　Thank you.[5]
　　_________________________________________
　　[1]去掉这个开头，直接用被动语态开头。
　　[2]去掉，多余了。
　　[3]如果你不能保证用长复句可以表达清楚，那么建议换成短句吧。拆成几个短句也许表达更贴切呢。
　　[4]这句话看起来非常不清楚，主语在哪里？please 的后面是吗？改成：please make sure that you have prepared alternative work.
　　[5]另换一行