My Savings

I had a baby pig. It was a lovely one. It was as white as snow and on its back with red pattern[with red patterns（图案）on its back]（1）。 It was so fat that looked like[it looked like]（2）a ball. It had a big mouth and a small nose. Its tail was very short. It had four strong legs. Oh， I forgot to tell you that there was a hole on[in]（3）its back. So it was not a real pig but a savings-box（储蓄罐）。

　　I liked my little“pig”very much and often fed it with my pocket money as food. The pig was always smiling. It seemed to be saying thanks to me in return. The pig was[grew]（4）heavier and heavier. At last， it was[became]（5）full of money.

　　One day， I was very sad to[have to]（6）break the pig into pieces because I would[was going to]（7）spend the money to contribute the coming XI Asian Games[contribute the money to the coming 11th Asian Games]（8）。

　　That night， I dreamed a sweet dream. The money I saved had been sent to Beijing. [The money I had saved was sent to Beijing.]（9）

　　江苏省无锡市第十二中学 卫曦臻

　　评 语

　　文章抓住“猪”的特征进行描写，全文语言活泼、生动，用词准确，并能运用比喻手法。文章中某些语言上的不足之处点评修改如下：

　　（1）“with+名词+分词/形容词/介词短语”，表示伴随情况及补充说明，如：He slept with the windows open./The teacher walked along the street with his students following him.

　　（2）原文so-that从句少了主语it.这可能是受汉语影响。汉语可省主语，但英语一般不行。

　　（3）说“在……上面有洞”介词要用in，不能用on，因为“洞”总有一定深度，如：There is a hole in the wall. （墙上有个洞），介词on只表示表面，如：There is a mark（记号）on the surface of the desk.

　　（4）、（5）用“动态”动词grew和became比用was更生动。

　　（6）加上have to表示“不得不”。

　　（7）was going to强调“打算”。

　　（8）“把……贡献给……”应该用“contribute…to…”结构。

　　（9）主从句的时态用颠倒了。