My Collection

Now a lot of people like to collect something， for example， stamps or coins （硬币）。 I'm also a collector and my collection is telephone cards （电话磁卡）。 Now， I have over one thousand cards. These are related to almost every part of the world [Each of them is a beautiful picture depicting almost every aspect of the world] （1）： buildings， scenery， animals， plants and works of art. Everyone [Each of them] （2） has its own character.

　　The first card I'd like to tell you about is a cartoon picture named “Merry Christmas”。 It describes [portrays] （ 3 ） what children are doing on a very happy Christmas Eve： some are sending presents to their friends while others are decorating （装饰） a Christmas tree with lovely ornaments （装饰物）。 All over the ground is thick snow that has become colorful under the lights. However， （4） this little card shows a scene of great joy. I assure [am sure] （ 5 ） that everybody can't help feeling warm in winter on seeing it [this card] （6）。

　　Most of my telephone cards are of a complete set （完整的一套）。 A certain set I like best is of some exquisite （精美的） photographs of the world's famous scenic spots. They are so vivid that each time I glance over them， it seems as if I were travelling around Paris， New York， Sydney and other beautiful cities. Through them， I can comprehend [know a lot more about] （7） the world without going abroad.Providing me with knowledge and enjoyment， the telephone cards have not only increase my insight [helped me to know the world better ] （ 8 ） ， but also enriched my life. In the future days， they'll always accompany me as my good friends.

　　上海市李惠利中学高二（3）班 滕加琪

　　评 语

　　收集电话磁卡应该说是一种较新兴的hobby.正如作者所言，其中既有乐趣也能帮助增长知识。遗憾的是作者没有介绍一下是如何收集这些电话磁卡的。某些不足之处点评修改如下：

　　（1）原句 be related to 的含义不清，有中国式英语之嫌，故改之。

　　（2）everyone合在一起写时，意为“每个人”。改为each of them 与上句呼应，增加文章气势。

　　（3）根据 Longman 词典，describe 一般表示用“文字描述”，这里是指图画，故改之。

　　（4）这里没有转折含义，However用得有些费解，删去为好。

　　（5）assure的意思是 make sure，cause to believe，这里应该改为 am sure 较符合上下文的意思。

　　（6）it这里指代不清，指明 this card为好。

　　（7）、（8）comprehend和insight的语气都过重了，改后较为自然明了。