Flying High as a Kite

When I walked[was walking]（1）across the playground the other day， I got a pleasant surprise to see some colourful kites flying in the sky above our campus， and I couldn't help slowing down to look at them. A kite flew out of sight and seemed to go back to its remote home， and the long string pulled my memory back to that wonderful spring day and that small mountain village where my grandma has ever lived[once lived]（2）。 I suppose my footprints of childhood are still in that beautiful valley， where I once excitedly flew the kite which had been made by Grandma. Mixed with the fragrance（芳香）of wild flower， and new-mown hay， the fresh country breeze blew through my hair and sent my kite to the sky. The melody of ripping[rippling]（3） streams and the songs of delighted birds have been vague[seem to be vague now]（4） but Grandma's words still ring[are still ringing]（5） in my ears：“Darling， have you got anything from a kite？…they incessantly fly upward…upward…”

　　Grandma always tried to instill some essence of life in my naive heart， and she had ardent expectation written on her face. Now， I find there's more to a kite that paper and string， as it also forms a bridge between earth and heaven and put me in touch with[reminds me of]（6） Grandma——she has left me， but she should forever live in Paradise. Rest in peace， Grandma， and your encouragement will accompany me to fly high as a kite！

　　武汉外国语学校 杨珑

　　评 语

　　从看到放风筝想到自己亲爱的grandma，文章写得较为动人，文中有些句型和词语也显得较为老练，如：get a pleasant surprise to see， fly out of sight， fragrance， new-mown， there's more to a kite than…等等。但文章的时态层次不够清楚，从“那天看到别人放风筝”，到回想起与grandma一起放风筝，文章后半部分用现在时，又给人感到是在写这篇文章时的感想，总之，时态跳跃过快，语言运用上的其他不足之处修改如下：

　　（1）从句动词改为过去进行时后，体现了过去短暂时间动作，以与主句顺利衔接。

　　（2）根据上下文grandma已去世，不能用现在完成时，而要用一般过去时。

　　（3）这可能是rippling（起涟漪）的笔误。

　　（4）现在完成时用得不妥。表示“一直如此”？或“结果”？好像都不恰当。

　　（5）用现在进行时更生动些。

　　（6）原文表述太直。