Memory

The picture on my desk shows a man of about 60 or so， sitting comfortably on the couch. His nearly snow-white hair and natural smile made him seem much kinder[look kind]（1）。 On the back of the picture a line of words is neatly written， his definition of life：“To love the ones around you is more precious than life itself.”

　　It is raining again today. The[fallen]（2） leaves have covered the garden like a carpet. Somehow， tears come to my eyes. The sound of the rain knocking on the glass window[window]（3） makes me feel upset. I try to ignore it， but I fail.

　　I close my eyes only to see him wearing that old blue jacket with a big smile on his face.“Hey， try to do it in the way I told you，”he said. I began to solve the problem on the paper in front of me. He'd never been angry. He always treated children[us] （4） like his own [children]（5）。 Every time I talked to him， I felt I was full of confidence. But now， I can't see him any more.

　　The rain is[has]（6） stopped. I open the window. The freshness brought by the rain hits my face. The garden looks clean but terribly messy at the same time. I don't feel so upset now， but the pain has never stopped attacking my heart. Though tears will dry up by time[in time]（7）， the pain will stay. I really don't know how to accept the fact.“Serious heart disease of years burst forth when Mr. Yu was teaching a lesson. Unfortunately， he was not rescued…”We were thus told.

　　l still believe that next time we meet， we'll both enjoy the lessons， which we always did in the past few years when I was attending his lectures. But how can I？

　　The air in the room is cold. I close the window， trying to get my thoughts off the subject. I lie down， trying to get some rest. From a distance I seem to hear a firm voice and find myself in the class——in his class！

　　上海市李惠利中学高二（1）班 江佳

　　评 语

　　这是一篇怀念已故老师的文章，虽没有正面描写老师的事迹，但令人感到了师生之间曾有过的深切感情。特别是作者用了一种独白似的内心描写与外部气氛的烘托，使文章具有一种独特的感染力。另外，文章词语句型的使用也较为老练，文章中某些语言上的不足之处点评修改如下：

　　（1）kinder用比较级，不知是与什么相比较。另外seem用得也不准确，故改之。

　　（2）加上fallen使上下文更清楚，定冠词the用得不正确。

　　（3）glass是多余的。

　　（4）children太笼统，不如us显得更亲近。

　　（5）这里加上children.

　　（6）原文is用错了。

　　（7）by time不是习惯用语，in time除了表示“及时”外还有“终究会”、“到某个时候”的意思。