Panic on the Highway 山路历险记 3

[11] Sleep wouldn't come. I lay staring into the dark， listening to the sounds of trucks and cars rushing along the nearby interstate. I tried to summon up reassuring images of home， now so many hundreds of miles away. I thought of Betsy and Tabitha， the two lovable cats that belonged to my husband and me； of Ben， the playful mutt who loved to catch Frisbees. I thought about friends and neighbors. I pictured the faces of my husband and children.

　　[12] I also thought about Lillian， our parents' part-time maid. I could almost touch calmness when I thought about Lillian， with her gentle voice and radiant smile. I knew Lillian was praying for me； she always prays for our family， especially when one of us is away. I found myself clutching for a verse from Deuteronomy. How did it go？ “Don't be afraid， for the Lord will go before you and will be with you； He will neither fail nor forsake you.”

　　[13] But nothing could dispel the sense of helplessness that overwhelmed me whenever I contemplated the frowning mountains that lay ahead. The next morning I had to force myself to slide behind the wheel. Just one more day， I kept telling myself. Surely I can find the courage to make it through one day. If I just kept my eyes locked on the back of my brother's truck， if I just made my wheels follow his wheels， I'd be all right. If I would just take slow， deep breaths instead of shallow， terrified gasps， I would be all right.

　　[14] If I could just visualize my heart as a place where courage dwelt， instead of panic， I would be all right. I kept telling myself that the fear of crashing through the guardrail and plunging over the edge existed only in my imagination， pot in fact. Control， that was the key. I would cling with all my might to control. I would clutch it tight and take charge .

　　[15] But as the day wore on and the road mounted higher， that little core of self-control grew smaller and smaller， and finally， on a heart-stop-ping grade southwest of Barstow， California， it vanished altogether.

　　[11]怎么也唾不着。我两眼瞅着一片黑暗，耳听附近州际公路上过往的卡车和轿车呼啸不停。我迫使自己向数百英里之外家中那些温馨的形象寻求慰藉。我想到了贝特西和塔比莎，那是我和丈夫养的两只可爱的小猫；还有贝思，那只喜欢逮飞碟的顽皮小狗。我想到了朋友们和邻居们。丈夫和孩子们的面容浮现在我眼前。

　　[12]我还想到了莉莲，我父母雇的钟点工。想着她那柔美的声音和灿烂的笑容，我心中几乎顿感一丝宁静。我知道莉莲一定在为我祈祷；她总是为我们一家人祈祷，尤其是有人出门在外时。不知不觉中我发现自己琢磨起了《圣经》中的句于。那是怎么说的？“不要胆怯，上帝为你开路，与你同在；他不会辜负你的期待，也不会抛弃你。”

　　[13]尽管如此，一想到还要走下去的崎呕山路，笼罩在心头的那种强烈的无助感便无法排遣。第二天一早，我强迫自己坐进了驾驶室。只剩一天了，我不断地告诉自己。我一定能找到勇气对付这最后的一天。只要盯住弟弟的卡车，跟在他后边，让我的车轮沿他的车轮而行，准不会出事。只要慢慢地深呼吸，而不是气急败坏地喘个不停，就不会出事。

　　[14]只要想象勇气长驻心中，恐惧就没有立足之地。就不会出事的。我一温遍地提醒自己：冲出护栏坠入深渊只是幻觉，不是事实。控制住自己是关键。我要全力以赴地控制住，要牢牢地掌握住。

　　[15]越往前走路越陡，我那点可怜的控制力越发微弱，终于，在加州巴斯陀西南一个令人心惊肉跳的陡坡上，它彻底消失了。